Thursday, February 14, 2008


Hola, Friends. I hope you are spending this made-up, designed-to-benefit-greeting-card-companies-and-capitalist-merchants-in-general holiday with your significant other. And I hope you did your part to add to the estimated $7B that would be spent in honor of this day. I know I did, in a small way. And that is what we need right now -- consumerism -- since the country is headed toward (or has been hovering precipitously within the basin of) a recession. Well, that's what we need along with a tax stimulus (rebate) package. Sure, Suck-Wad-In-Chief, give away more money in an election year. McCain thanks you for it, you sorry ass. Apologies, another topic perhaps ...

I'm not trying to be cynical mind you.

I' d like to say goodbye to another friend. Sacrificed to Ebay this week was my sexy, awesome track-bike-to-be, this Bianchi Pista Concept. I never built it up. I bought it a year ago on Ebay. I made money -- plenty of money on it (which is usually not the case). The track is in the burbs. I hate driving. We have a baby on the way. Enough said. I hope the dude who bought you isn't some fixed-gear trendo freakazoid. I may never know. May UPS deliver you in immaculate health.

We got a couple-few inches of snow last night. The ride to and from work was interesting. On the way to work I took main roads since they're clear and I didn't worry about pissing off drivers. They need to know bikes are there, even in weird conditions. On the way home I was traveling before rush hour and decided to take residentials. Snow ruts and all, I was having a good time. The sun was shining. It was 12 degrees. Good times.

About 4 miles from home on my usual route, I was approaching a stop sign on a side road. Approximately 100ft out I could hear that the car behind me intended to pass me. "WTF?" I thought. Around me she came and pulled in front of me to complete a stop at the sign. I should have pulled left to prevent her passing me; hindsight is 20-20. I hit my brakes but the snow was deep enough that I initiated a front wheel skid. To avoid hitting her car, I let the bike go down and caught the fall on my left knee. It was a light fall mind you, but I was pissed. She took her turn while I was lying on the ground. I quickly jumped up and remounted. This was a residential road and I was determined to catch up with her at another sign or while she was parking.

Pulling away from the sign I thought, "My motivation is anger, it shouldn't be anger. Calm down." But I pumped the pedals. The packed snow was sketchy and I was thinking of how great it would be if I wiped out again trying to catch her. She was speeding and quickly made up two, three blocks on me. I watched her tail lights. At the next main road she made a right and by the time I got there she was out of sight.

Damn. I was intent on two things: 1) if she parked and I got there while she was getting out I was going to give her an earful, obsenities and all; 2) if she was gone from her car I was going to wipe her driver's sideview mirror off with my mittened hand. Nice touch on a Saab convertible; good $200-$300 repair bill. But no such retribution.

So, my Valentine's message to you, horrid cunt in the white Saab: Learn to realize the presence of others beyond your little climate-controlled, "luxury" haven. You acted like a stupid, careless ass. Maybe you were in a hurry to fetch your V-day nookie. Maybe you were just in a hurry to get home to your sitcom. To hell with you and every other driver who can't pull their heads out of their asses. Wake up, you stupid fucks. NC-17 that.

How is my V-day? I'm spending it with Sylvia. She is asleep on the couch. April is at work. I am a lucky person. My daughter told me at least 12 times tonight how much she loves me. I am married to the most wonderful person I have ever known. Hallmark can keep their money. Chain-store jewelers can keep screwing over exploited folks in South Africa. I gave April a messenger bag as a present this morning. She was delighted. When I arrived home tonight, there was not only a delicious dinner prepared, but fresh flowers on the table including a small arrangement that Sylvia had done herself, along with two dark chocolate bars. Thank you both, the two most wonderful ladies in my life.

I too often forget how freakin' awesome my life is -- I'm happy with my relationships, my job and how I live my life. I'm not saying that can't be the case if one is strapped to a four-wheeled coffin for a good portion of his/her day. But perhaps those mindless dolts behind the wheel need to reconsider their lives. Perhaps, too, this trumped up "holiday" ought to be about loving one another, not just some guaranteed sex partner you're infatuated with at the moment.

Peace. Love. Thought.


cvo said...

happy v day dude

Blogstyle said...

Are you sure it wasn't Pieplow? He drives a Saab, he's kind of an asshole.

Andy said...

Actually Patch, it was me. I am using your blog to confess right here and now that I have a secret second life as a cross-dressing, saab driving cunt.

Sorry, I didn't know it was you. I thought it was Jeff Frane.

vernabell said...

ok. dudes.

using "cunt" as an insult is not ok. we do not yet live in a post-feminist world where we are all equal. we are still quite unequal - white women still make 76cents for the dollar to the white man. the ratio is worse for women of color. white men are disproportianately represented in all centers of power in this country - as senators, wealthy magnates, council people, judges, etc.

cross-dressing jokes are not funny or ok.

women & transgender people continue to be marginalized - economically and/or socially - and oppressed within institutions and systems.

not ok.

using "cunt" as an insult does not make you bad-ass or culturally subversive in any way.

*john's queer cross-dressing sister-in-law.

Patch O'Houli said...

But when a woman runs me off the road I am not going to say it is 76% "OK." When SHE acts as a "male" ass-fuck, jerk-off, bastard, retard, fuck-wad, worm-burp -- aka, bitch, then I reserve the right to call her a cunt. She is snatching (no pun intended) surrogate power by using her automobile to ram it up some biker's ass (because she cannot claim legitimate power elsewhere). I am not going to label that subjugation OK. It is one subaltern attacking another in a displaced battle of hybrid dominance. Fuck that. Get out of your car and join me if you really want to win.
If the offending jizz spree had been a man, I'd have called it as I'd seen it and he'd have been a bastard, fuck-nut, retard, etc. Let's be equal opportunity here -- if you're going to be an asshole toward bikers, I'm going to call you by a gender appropriate derogative -- and cunt is a very descriptive, and appropriate word, for a woman who chooses to yak on her cell phone while running bikers off the road.
It might mean something different to you (but in Andy's case, he wishes it was more toward your meaning. Really.)
Sorry, but I've mostly decided my blog is not a place for the legitimate discussion of PC gender issues. Best save those for a classroom. Comments are a place for venting. Please check back often and add your dissenting views. I love dissenters.
And, I love you, Erin! John

Bloodclot said...