Thursday, October 30, 2008

Damage Control

If you were there you know -- Flecktoberfest did not disappoint. I think we funneled around 90 guests through the house and yard over the course of the party which ran from 4pm until 5am. Don't ask me how I remembered to look at the clock. We were gifted 3 bottles of single malt, a bottle of Surly Darkness and various remnants of 6 and 12-packs. In addition were the countless consumable goodies. These did little good, however, as the house was almost completely devoid of food the next morning. EVERYTHING we set out got eaten.

There was a generous and strong love vibe in the air -- plenty of hugging and a little kissing. Great jokes, big laughs and lots of fun were had by all especially as hijinks like the all-male topless Twister game hit full effect. By the end there was gratuitously good natured nudity and harmlessly rampant debauchery of all kinds. If you see photos they probably have not been altered in any way. It was epic -- from the beginning to the very end. Thanks to everyone who attended and joined in or at least tolerated the craziness. We have awesome friends who've made our house feel that much more like a home. This was the best Flecktoberfest ever.

More autumnal oddities are on the horizon as the Homie Fall Fest rides through the T.C. this Saturday. Oh yeah. We'll just test out this phrase: "Honey, I'm taking off for a Halloween party on Friday night. Be back on Sunday."

Here's some nice political humor (special thanks to my friend, Bear, for this forward). Take a break from the last minute campaign shenanigans and mudslinging to give the letter below a read. And, as always, be well. Don't forget to vote early and often next Tuesday.

A Letter to the Red States

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election, too, we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech, UCLA, Berkeley and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

1 comment:

Stephen and Rachel said...

Awesome letter John! I have been begging Steve to get me the hell out of Tennessee! I cringe for the fact that I am in a "red" state! I want out!

Here is a GREAT blog written by an eighty year old lady if you want a good read. Although, your blog is my favorite.

Take care John!